I am rewiring my brain.
I am actively adding images to some of my memories to reflect my self love and my healing.
One of my first memories of my mom’s reactions to gifts, was when I was five or six, running through the kitchen. I had a little route, from the living room, through the kitchen, toward the front door and into the living room again.
Someone had taken me to the store to buy a gift for Mother’s Day or her birthday. I didn’t really understand what the tiny funny figure meant by holding a sign that said, “You Made Me What I Am Today,” which in hindsight, is sooooo ironic. As I turned the corner where my little cheap figurine was displayed, I heard her say, “Yes, you made me what I am today, whatever the hell that means.” I don’t know if she was talking on the phone or to someone in person, but I heard, and it hurt.
Little Me filed it away. It was under the heading, What Not to Say Around Children. I added a ton to this memory file over the years.
But here’s the thing. I have never stopped replaying that memory. It is seared into the neurological pathways of my brain, and I don’t want it there anymore.
So here is what I am doing. I am adding an image of love to that whole film I keep replaying.
I stand near the front door, me as I am now, a loving and happy adult. I face the corner that Little Me comes around, and I hold my arms wide. I hold them wide and Little Me, so cuddly and cute, comes running into my arms, and I tell her, “That is a great gift! You are so cool for picking out that gift. You picked it out with innocence and love, and you know what? You are made of love! And we will be ok. You are going to be happy! You keep being who you are because you are wonderful!!!”
And Little Me giggles and curls into my arms and I hold her tight.
This is the image I have added to that memory and so far so good. Everytime it comes to mind I am adding this loving ending.
And one more part. I want Little Me to see what she will become. I look out of her eyes and see Adult Me crouched down with a huge smile and welcoming arms and I run full force at her and hug Adult Me with all the love I feel exploding out of me.
And we both know, it will be alright.
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