That's what it was! Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes just put it into words for me in the first session of The Power of the Crone. (This is Volume II of The Dangerous Old Woman.) I was never supposed to be tame.
I have sometimes felt so sorry for young me. There were so many times I was so unhappy, and I didn't know what to do about it. I wanted things to be different. What I really wanted it to be, is the way it is right now. Right now I have everything I yearned for that I couldn't quite name. Independence, security, acceptance---freedom to be me. I wanted to be accepted just the way I was and then I knew I would bloom.
I remember in high school looking at people, friends and such, and thinking that it would be so much easier to live life the way they did. It seemed normal and orderly. Two of my best friends had the same boyfriend for 3 maybe all 4 years of high school. I would never have been able to stand the same person for that long! It was security and safety for them. They didn't want to test the waters where there may not be a life boat.
Then college was totally wacko for me. Again, I wondered what it would be like to go four years and graduate. Instead my path was one of unhappy first year, switch schools, try to make money and then drop out to travel. Start over at a new school while trying to support myself, drop out and travel. Then finally, determined to finish, working 2 jobs with classes....never the normal path.
And now, now with the words of Dr. Estes, she describes what I always known deep down inside my soul. She tells me that I will never live an ordinary life. She adds that, "normalcy is the enemy of giftedness."
I knew that I didn't necessarily want normal. I knew that my way was right for me, but my way was very tiring sometimes. It just looked so much easier to do what everyone said you were supposed to. It just didn't look fun.
I knew a couple of things about myself: I was smart, and I knew how to love. Oh, and that I am a laughing, sometimes very silly person. I also knew that I knew how to create. I wasn't always sure what I was supposed to be creating, but I started out creating as a child, and when I didn't create, it led to unhappiness.
This decade of my life is an interesting one. The face gets older, the truth becomes clearer. I am still fighting demons in that I hold myself back sometimes. I will not do that anymore. Dr. Estes has given me permission. Sometimes we need to be given permission. I have noticed that fact in my coaching and speaking. The audience or the client looks so relieved when I say they are allowed to be who they want. They feel the stress start to fade when I tell them they are not bad people to feel bad feelings and to question society's restrictions.
I resolve to maintain clarity about what is important--for me it is freedom. Freedom to create, freedom to be me, freedom to love.
Rose M Griffith said "Diana, this post is dead-on perfect! You articulated clearly what I was feeling for many years. Yahoo to saying so well what so many of us women feel! Rose"
Diana responded to Rose M Griffith with "Rose, You may be interested in listening to or reading Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. She is amazing and I think a lot would resonate for you. I appreciate you writing."
Sharon Machine said " I learned a lot from this post, much appreciated! =)"
Diana responded to Sharon Machine; "You are very welcome!"